Dear Dick Jauron...

Dear Dick,

I just want to start things off by expressing my condolences for losing out on the Byron Leftwich bidding. It's not your fault we lost that one. Whoops, was I not supposed to mention that? I know, I know, the Bills were supposed to remain the 'mystery bidder' forever, but I figure at this point what's Marv gonna do about it? I know he was concerned that J.P.'s feelings would be hurt if he found out the organization was actively looking for a lifeboat at his position, but really, how much worse can Losman's confidence really get at this point anyways? The Falcons bagged Lefty and I suppose they needed him pretty badly too, but not as bad as us Bills. Maybe there's still time for us to work out a trade with Atlanta? Nevermind Leftwich, we'll gladly take Joey at this point. Dick, you and I both know Harrington would be an upgrade for us. But I digress.

The primary purpose of my writing this letter to you is to help you get a little more social. No Dick, I don't want to run your social life, it's bad enough that you are clueless when it comes to coaching this team, you certainly don't need me to tell you that your social life is in equal disarray. However, I was thinking that perhaps there is a way to make gains both on and off the field and maybe this can be accomplished by tweaking your off-season social calendar just a bit. Dick, how well do you know John Fox? Ok, not very well. You need to change that. You need to invite the Fox's over to your house for an off-season dinner and get chummy with him. If you don't have his phone number, don't worry, just give Herm Edwards a call and he'll give it to you. Everybody knows Herm and everybody is friends with Herm. Coach's call Herm all the time for marital advice, dietary ideas the whole nine yards. Everybody loves talking to Herm. Give him a call, he'll hook you up with Fox, no problem.

Having John Fox over for dinner is a super idea. You guys can play the 'I'll show you mine, if you show me yours' game. Get your mind of the gutter, Dick. I'm talking about playbooks, ok? Ours is worthless at this point, especially considering Cardinal O'Hara High School has a more dynamic offense than ours, so you really can't lose and can only gain playing with Fox. While you're out in the yard barbequing and talking about the good ol' days of coaching, get your kids to steal Fox's playbook and make copies, pronto. You can do this Dick, trust me. It's not that hard and if you gameplan well with your family you should be able to pull this heist off. Oh, you're worried about what happened to Beli-Cheat and you don't want to lose your first round pick? Fine. I understand completely, especially given that our first rounder is gonna be so freakin' high! Ok, I see your point. Don't steal or photocopy Fox's book, but you can do almost as good. Get him drunk! I'm not talking polite tipsy here. Dick, break out that 46-year old scotch you have stashed in your basement that you've been saving for a Super Bowl victory, and instead, use it to get Foxy sauced. Rubbing shoulders with Fox may be the closest you ever get to a Super Bowl anyways. Get Foxy so sauced, that he's blabbing his ass off about all of the silly little things the Panthers do to get Steve Smith the football even when every defense and their grandmother knows where the football is going. You need this intel Dick, and your job security depends on it.

I'm sorry Dick, but the jig is up. You can't keep fooling yourself anymore. Your coaching this team into the ground, literally. Yes, don't get me wrong, I like Marshawn as much as you do and think he can tote the rock just fine. But you can't keep running the ball, and playing this conversative junior school offense with a defense that could make Britney Spears look good. Dick, you need to open things up and that means getting the football to your most explosive player, Lee Evans. Lee and Vernon Davis texted each other this week and their friendship is really starting to blossom. How sweet and touching, isn't it? But while they may commiserate about not getting the ball enough bla, bla, bla, there remains a very, very big difference between Lee Evans and Vernon Davis. Mike Nolan, you remember him right? Think Catskills fishing trip 1987? Still no? Ok, head coach of the 49ers? There you go. You see, Mike Nolan can tell Vernon Davis to shut his mouth and work harder, and you know why he can do that, Dick? Because Nolan is 2 and freakin' 0! Yes, that's right. Vernon Davis isn't getting the football and the 49ers haven't lost a game. You Dick, can't take that tact with Lee Evans now can you? How can you tell Lee Evans to shut up and work harder when you know full well that he's the best playmaker you have on your roster, you're not getting him the football, and unlike Nolan, you can't win a game if your life depended on it right now. You see what I'm getting at here Dick?

Ok, this letter is long enough, and I fear that you might not read the whole thing Dick, so I'll cut it a little short. Dick, Marshawn Lynch is a better runner than Deshaun Foster and DeAngelo Williams combined. Lee Evans, while no Steve Smith, is a pretty darn similar talent. Dick, your idea of being creative is to rent a car from Avis instead of Budget. You and I both know you couldn't draw yourself out of a paper box. So I leave you with this final mantra, and you should live by it.

Good coaches copy. Great coaches steal.

Don't walk to the phone, run Dick! Call Herm and get hooked up with Foxy, and STEAL! You can do this Dick. You NEED to do this Dick.

Good luck.

Your buddy,
LeRon.

DISCLAIMER:
This letter is harmful to humans if swallowed. Avoid contact with skin. Reading this letter in its entirety may cause oily spotting, loose stools, and more frequent stools that may be hard to control. Do not read if you are a woman. The most common side effects following reading of this letter include temporary eyelid droop and nausea. Serious risks include decreased sweating. Some readers tried to end their own lives. And some people have ended their own lives. Vision changes may also occur after reading, such as seeing a blue tinge to objects or having difficulty telling the difference between the colors blue and red. You may get an erection that won't go away. This may have been written by a fantasy football player who owns Lee Evans.

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